Of recent I’ve had much less time to blog. Five years on writing about childfree issues hasn’t dimmed my interest but on the other hand I feel the older I get the less I could care whether anyone “approves” of my choice. Except when folk like Mr Skelton go wading into waters they have no clue about. I have no interest in helping anyone understand either. If you are a friend of mine, childed or not you accept and don’t try and convert – it’s mutual.
But one issue that’s always close to home as far as childfree people go is the issue of friendships and more importantly social lives.
I was thinking of our fellow childfree friend who has just gone through a divorce and who is going to have to build a new social circle. Being part of a church community should help the childfree in theory, right? From what I know, that often isn’t the case at all.
The other thing that got me thinking is my direct involvement in creating social events for primarily single people through dancing. While I am doing something that I really love, it’s more than being about me. It’s a pretty amazing thing from a childfree perspective, so see people having a great time with not even a thought of “the kid conversation” popping up. Most of our group is either single, never married or separated with grown up kids looking to meet new people and do new things.
Now, is that deliberate? Partly. I know not everyone likes to dance (though I would argue that it is one of THE best ways of meeting people there is) and I have heard all the “reasons why.”
So my question to you is – what are your suggestions for childfree people looking to build a new social life – either after friends having kids or after going through a break up?
It is not the same if you are married. It is not the same if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It is an uphill battle if you want to begin dating. However I know it is possible because both my childfree husband and I have done it.
So – be sensitive 
. Come up with 3 practical childfree tips (preferably something that has worked for you) and share them on the blog. I am sure they will be of immense encouragement to our fellow childfree friends.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, for me, church has worked out okay, in that there are many different types of people to connect with, and as a Unitarian church, we aren’t expected to all subscribe to the same belief (i.e. marriage is for kids might be something some faiths would dictate, but not mine).
Volunteering – if you have the time, there are lots of great causes out there that attract people who are passionate about making a difference in the world (and not just vicariously through their kids).
Take a class – lots of colleges offer general interest courses as part of their continuing education programs — try your hand at Japanese calligraphy or computer upgrading, whatever strikes your facny — you never know who you might meet.
While these things don’t guarantee that the people you’ll be making friends with are also childfree, they do offer another avenue of focus for discussion instead of the “let’s all talk about our kids” route.
I have just accumulated the child free friends one at a time through various outings. Art clubs, poetry clubs, gaming clubs, hiking, volunteering. It all adds up eventually to having a decent sized circle.
Great topic!
1. If you’re a dog lover/owner, I’d recommend dog parks. My husband have had enormous success meeting other couples this way. People that frequent dog parks tend to be active, outgoing (because they could just as soon walk their dog around their neighborhood, but choose to engage communally instead), and best of all, very often childfree. Personally speaking, our dog is our baby and a huge, huge part of our lives. It’s been our experience that there are a lot of similarly-minded childfree couples out there, for whom pet parenting is more than enough to fulfill them emotionally. Dog parks are an excellent way to connect to these people.
2. Neighbors. This obviously isn’t the case for everyone, and there are plenty of childfree couples living in kid-filled suburbs, but if you happen to have settled in a neighborhood that’s a little more urban, get to know your neighbors. We live downtown, and our building is filled with young professionals and graduate students who’ve no interest in procreating.
3. Meetup.com, SocialJane.com, and Yelp. On Meetup.com, you can create or join social groups specifically devoted to childfree people. SocialJane is a newish site for women who want to network socially in their area (you create a profile, just like a dating site). And Yelp, the review site, is apparently a growing social networking site. Only of the sort of networking you do in person. There are Yelp-based get togethers all the time in my area, organized by people that like to (and can) go out often (in other words, non-parents).
Great tips Ellie… especially the one about Meet Ups. I just Googled “Childfree Meet Up Groups”myself and brought up groups all over the US and you can also search all over the world. Here’s the link if anyone wants it. I didn’t even know about the Yelp based get togethers or Social Jane. Thanks!
http://childfree.meetup.com/
Hi, I have to ditto Ellie’s suggestion for Meetup.com. I have talked to lots of childfree all over the U.S. who have had great luck meeting like minded folks through this site, and have lots of fun, not to mention developing friendships they would not have otherwise~Laura http://lauracarroll.com Families of Two
Ditto Ellie also Laura…and it’s excellent news for childfree people looking to make new friends.
These are all great suggestions everyone, keep them coming. Some things we take for granted but they may be light a light going on to somebody else. This is what gets me about blogging… I learn something new EVERY time
Online tools: facebook, stumbleupon
Outdoor tools: if you’re passionate about climbing, mountains you can sign in a mountain club, or join any kind of club according to your hobbies.
Take a class that you’ll enjoy- it can be fitness, language, crafts, whatever you’ve always wanted to do.
The dog park is a good place, although from personal experience I am as annoyed with precious dog owners as I am with precious parents.
Join a club- tennis, book, again, anything you like.
Can I make more than 3?
I second two of the suggestions above: ie volunteering and meetup.com (and similar)
Volunteering in my small town usually means hanging out with people a lot older, who already have grown up kids, but I imagine that in larger towns you’d meet more people of the same age. I actually enjoy the company of older people so it’s not a problem for me. Don’t forget that you can volunteer with things like community radio, libraries etc, so it’s not necessarily all hanging out with old people.
Things like bookclubs or share trading clubs can also work – even if the people there have kids, they are usually there because they have other interests too, and there’s some common ground in terms of the activity you’re sharing.
As for sports, I would actually suggest more specific sports, that have a social aspect. e.g. kayaking, which often involves camping trips a few times a year, and the people who can go away on camping trips usually don’t have kids – or they have a life outside them. Also, indoor rockclimbing, because it requires some level of team work without the competition aspect. It builds good relationships. Sports like that are more social than team sports like hockey or whatever. Besides, I hate team sports beacuse I suck, so something that involves individual activities in a group is good for people like me!
Also poker clubs, or wine/spirits/food appreciation clubs can be great fun.
Finally, I catch up once a month with a group of friends-of-friends, for dinner somewhere unique. Often we just have entree or dessert, as it’s cheaper and usually more than enough. It’s a great way to mix interesting people together, and you don’t have to know any of them well.
I second the meetup suggestion. And if you don’t find a childfree group in your area you could start one on meetup.com- you may be surprised at the number of people who sign up. I belong to a meetup group (non-moms club) for women who aren’t moms- members don’t have to be childfree, just not a mom.
Also for women who are 50+ and looking for girlfriends for socializing, try the red hat society, there might be a chapter in your area. http://www.redhatsociety.com/
along the lines of socialjane.com, I have seen a website called Girlfriend Circles that matches you up with potential girlfriends for socializing. I think there is a fee to join.
Ten years ago, newly divorced and a CF female I started doing a degree extramurally. I started a study group which was very supportive and I made the some great friends into the bargain. We all keep in touch, meet up regularly and even travel together.
I was not into meeting another partner but my other single friends, also CF, joined singles groups that organised outings like dinners, cocktail parties or sporty type things. They made some good friends out of those too, female and male.
My friends who are sporty also meet people through their interests of rugby, cycling, dancing and tennis. Another friend is getting her private pilots licence, there are plenty of men in those clubs:)
Thanks for all the suggestions. I’m currently going through a painful breakup with a great girl after deciding that I was officially CF (I was previously on the fence), and these ideas will definitely come in handy down the road.
I still can’t believe that people throw away great relationships for a non-existent child, but I guess that’s what separates the CF from the non-CF. Let the uphill battle begin!
I’m not single but it I was I know where I’d meet possibly interesting people, for friendship or for a relationship:
- as you mentioned Britgirl, dance events! Dance classes, too. I am a salsa maniac
;
- dynamic sports clubs: I’m member of a running club and beside practices we have regular get togethers where it’s fun to get to know everyone better;
- evening classes: you can meet people with the same hobbies and interests… I tried taking some when I came to live in a new town, to make accointances, but people, especially women, tend to take those classes with one or two of their friends so in the end it’s not so easy to meet individuals;
- volunteering!
I ran a childfree Meetup.com group once – for about a year. Tons and tons of people signed up – I think over 100. But when it would come time for events, I was lucky if 5 people showed up. This is a common problem with social groups, I have discovered. People sign up in droves but wuss out when it comes time to getting off their butts and actually going out to meet people. I had all kinds of events too – things to suit every type of person….dining out, shows, day trips, outdoor adventures, even ice skating.
Anyway, not saying this would be the case for all Meetups. Maybe the people in my particular city are just lame.
As for childfree social groups, there’s also No Kidding. They have branches all over the place.
As others have suggested, taking an adult education class in something you enjoy is a great way to meet people.
For now what I’ve decided to go with is signing up for a non-credit creative writing class that meets one night a week. I always enjoyed that anyway although I haven’t done much in years, and I’m guessing that most people with kids, especially small kids, don’t have the time or money to do something like that just to do it. Hopefully there will be some nice people there that are either CF or don’t have kids yet that I connect with.
I don’t think I’m quite coordinated enough for a dance class.
Pleased to meet ya.I would speak from experience and say if you are truly committed to childfree, and if you have not already had a permanent surgical procedure, have your significant other, as the vasectomy is the easiest, undergo a permanent surgical procedure.If neither of you feels comfortable going that route, gird your loins seriously and remain flexible. I was diagnosed as infertile for six consecutive years of specialist exams. I was up for hormone therapy and then I was pregnant, at age 44. (I had since stopped all conraceptive measures after about the third year of consecutive diagnosis.)I kept the baby and, not going into detail here, let’s just say EVERYTHING and EVERYONE changed. I love your topic.Last bit of advice…stay away from , as much as possible, close-minded people who make you feel like you are not living life to the fullest without carrying to term and raising. I love my little sweetie, but, objectively, I admit to a soft form of post traumatic stress disorder from the adjustment and, even so, now on the other side of the looking glass, I CANNOT say that this old wives’ tale is true. Chimommas is for childfree folks, too, and will not hurt them. R.G. P.-P.
Lots of childfree folks here in California, feel lucky to have found a social circle where I don’t ever get “the attitude” thrown at me.
Just wondered people’s views on this…
I have two friends, both with one child (age 5 months). They invited myself and my husband out with them and their partners plus children. I feel a bit odd about this. I would rather meet as a group minus the children or just meet one friend with their child. It feels weird to me to go out with two other couples and be the only couple without kids. Just wondered what people’s thoughts were on this?
I have to “second” Firecracker Mandy. “No Kidding!” is a wonderful group with chapters in nearly all–if not all–of the United States. We have developed wonderful friendships though it. Simply google it and contact your local chapter…or start one yourself!
1) Dancing classes.
2) Boardgaming. There are clubs in many cities.
3) Childfree forums. I found my spouse in one.
4) University. I dated a chilfree guy in my field.
5) Book clubs and language classes.
Yes! These are great suggestions. And I am happy to see dancing classes are way up there yet again. My experience is that they are wonderful for meeting child free people – and I say that from both a teacher/organizer and a participant. It surprises me that so many more people don’t make use of them more. They are a great way just to get out and meet other people who share a passion, or who like to have fun.
This year I am going to explore a new dance genre – Blues Dancing, in addition to modern jive. Should be fun!
Thanks for all the comments and suggestions.
Another idea – Improv. Several of my single friends do it and find it a great way to meet others without stress or hassle.
Yep, I forgot the improvisation groups. One of my friends has gotten a lot of new friends just because of the impro group.
I think that Boogie Woogie rocks! In my country dancing classes might not be the best place to meet a lot of young people, because quite many young people here seem to think that dancing is old fashioned… Quite many of the pairs also come to the classes with partners in tow. Still, I have met a lot of new people in the dancing classes.
I think that it is relatively easy to get to know people and say hi. The hard part is getting to know them so well that you can invite them to your house etc. This is true at least in my country. People here are quite reserved.
Like you have found joy and like-minded people in dance, I can also recommend music.
This may include choir, instrumental or even general music listening/appreciation.
Join an ensemble or class and I can guarantee a wealth of resulting social opportunities. Between practice and performance, camaraderie can spark a good deal of friendships as well.
In general, just getting out and doing something fun will usually be a catalyst.
couchsurfing.org if you like travels
Not only can you make friends all around the world, or just meet people from all around the worls in your town, but most cities have group of local couchsurfers who meet up regularly for drinks or activities
The vast majority of couchsurfers have no kids!