And if so why is this? It’s been said that men don’t get pressured to have kids…is this true? I’m not sure it is.
I know my single guys friends are forever being asked “when are going to settle down (and have kids)? ” Code for “when are you going to realize your life of fun and being a free agent have to end – you have to “grow up?”
So if men don’t want kids and are childfree who’s arguing their case and where are the conversations?
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As a man, I’m more free than women to be very blunt and upfront with people…whenever someone asks about my personal life I always answer “Married, no kids, don’t want any kids.” No one ever questions me about it or asks me to defend my choice. I am fairly certain that if I were a woman, it would be less socially acceptable for me be so matter-of-fact about this, and I know that people would feel more at liberty to question my choices.
However, people do question me in other ways. For example, I earned a significant bonus at work, and spent some of it on a nice watch. One of my male coworkers commented on it and told me “that’s a lot of money to spend on just a watch.” Well, the thing is he has four kids and I don’t have any – which means I have all sorts of disposable income he doesn’t have. But if I got into that discussion, that’s when the old “well you can’t equate kids and watches” line of reasoning would come out…so the pressure and disdain are subtle. But again, as a man I am much more free to say “You live your life and I’ll live mine”. And, as a man, people are much more likely to respect that and leave me alone. I wish it were so easy for my wife.
On a larger scale, I think American culture is just now moving to a point where we can have substantial conversations about men’s role in the family without inviting ridicule, or thinking the men involved in the discussion are somehow weaker about needing to have the conversation. It will be some time yet before we can recognize childfree men as equally worthy of being part of the dialogue. I know it sounds cliche, but we’re all part of this world, and we all have something to offer each other, just in our own way.
I do think men get less social pressure, but conversely I think men see more economic pressure. I have read that employers prefer men with children as they are considered somehow more mature. Conversely, childfree women are preferred by employers as they are more reliable since women are considered more responsible for child care. So while women get social pressure, there may be economic advantages. Men simply experience the opposite, but it is just as problematic.
Also, I think men tend to be less emotional and don’t care as much about the social pressure they do get.
I think men get social pressure but they are adept at shrugging it off. They also don’t see their identity as predicated on having kids. And like has been said recently the main pressure comes from women – be it those who prescribe a baby for “growing up” or those who are the significant others.
“…as a man, people are much more likely to respect that and leave me alone. I wish it were so easy for my wife.”
I think this sums it up nicely. While the Mister is often asked if he has kids (or when he will have them), most people (his family excluded) drop it when he states he doesn’t have or want them. In fact, some of his male peers who do have kids even say “Man, you are living my DREAM!” As such, the Mister doesn’t feel the intense scrutiny that I and other childfree women do. He hasn’t been told he’s not a REAL man for not having kids, much like George Clooney isn’t told that. And if people think it, they surely don’t say it. He’s just a “confirmed bachelor”.
Meanwhile, society can’t obsess enough over Jennifer Aniston’s lack of progeny. Is she secretly a Lesbian? Is she barren? Is she *gasp* WILLFULLY CHILDLESS, which is why Brad left her for Angelina?! Oh, the horrors…
I’m sure some childfree men do get questioned, but I also think people are more inclined to politely drop the topic once a man delivers a firm “No kids for me!” This is why I think you see more women than men involved in the childfree conversation. For most, it’s not a huge issue worth seeking out a conversation.
Men are expected to not want kids. Socially, the convention is that the men have to be browbeaten or tricked into fatherhood. (Then they of course love it, duh.) But its widely understood that no man actually WANTS children, its up to the womenfolk to convince him and make him. So a guy who doesn’t have or want kids is deemed perfectly normal at any age, whereas a woman who isn’t doing her duty of pressuring and cajoling some dude into knocking her up is some sort of a deranged weirdo.
The idea that men never want kids but of course love parenting once they come along was used against me by my ex and everyone else around us to pressure me into just going ahead with having kids. Thankfully I didn’t fall for it.
I’ve always hated that ‘He’ll love it when it’s here’ line, because not only is it bull most of the time, but some women don’t even ‘love it when it’s here’. PND is a bitch, my mum had it not long after she had me and it messed her up royal.
Men don’t get that drug-like rush of oxytocin that most women get.
Isn’t it odd that the opposite is expected with sex? (Good girls don’t wanna, boys’ job to talk them into it)? When sex is the prerequisite for the baby? Never thought of it before.
Yes, I think childfree men get left out of childfree conversations. I say so out of experience because I’m hardly ever asked, or questioned, about my childfree status.
In fact, it is seen as a good thing because if a single woman can get a hold of a childfree man she can start her family without having to worry about other women and children being involved.
The main source of pressure for childfree men to breed is not society but (sadly) their partners.
True.
I agree, that us guys don’t have to deal with the social pressure of having a kid. I have never really been grilled on why I have no kids, and when it DOES come up in conversation, I simply state that I have NO desire to father children, (end of conversation)…
I am 48, male, single, and childfree. I knew when I was 20 years old that I never wanted to have kids.
Thankfully, my family was always respectful of deeply personal lifestyle choices and never bothered me about my choice. [My mother passed away when I was 32 but she never said a single word about my being childfree. It simply never arose in conversation.] My brother got married when he was 24 but did not have his first (and only) kid until he was 36. He married an only child but I do not know if there was any pressure coming from his in-laws. He and I never discussed my CFness, of course.
At my (former) work, many of my male coworkers including superiors are CF. Some of them are in their 40s, 50s, and 60s and remain single, so being single and CF was hardly unsual. I do not work there any more because I retired in 2008 at age 45 (in big part due to being CF) and I was able to boost my volunteer work with children in several area schools (so much for the “he hates kids” bingo).
I have had a steady ladyfriend for the last 7 years. She is my age but had a kid many years ago who is now grown, divorced with 3 kids of her own, and lives out of state (I have still never met her). But before that, it was very tough to meet and date women because nearly all of them either had small kids already or wanted to have have kids.
I do not at all regret my life choice. If I had kids, my life would be miserable because I could not have retired at age 45 and would haveb been stuck with all the negatives I was able to rid myself from.
Great comment deegee, thanks for sharing. So much for the “you will regret it” brigade. And I did get your note – thanks and apologies I’ve not had a chance to respond.
As a hispanic man my family never liked my decision to be CF. In the hispanic culture having children is often seen as a sign of “manhood”. Eventually my family just realized that I will never have or want kids and the conversation is generally never brought up.
Outside of my family, the biggest pressure I’ve had to have kids has been with long term girlfriends, several times that has been the deal breaker. I don’t understand why that comes up months or even years into the relationship when I make it clear from the second date. I guess they don’t believe me or they think I’ll change my mind.
I agree that one of the big assumptions is that men generally aren’t eager to be fathers but they will be glad they are fathers once the babies arrive. What a giant leap of faith that stereotype is. (And, of course, if you don’t feel the instant change of mind, there must be something wrong with you.)
Just imagine if a husband used that same kind of logic on his wife. “Sure, you don’t want me to have a mistress, that’s what all women say, but once I find one you’ll totally change your mind. Why are you fighting me on this? Hey, put the gun down!”
On childfree discussion forums you’ll rarely see men.
It’s true. Seems the majority of the childfree people I meet are other women. I think it’s mainly because, as has been pointed out in this discussion, men don’t really identify as “childfree” because they don’t have to. They’re just guys who never had children. Women, however, are perceived as damaged, abnormal, less of a woman, etc because their womb has not produced offspring. People rarely feel sorry for a guy without kids, but people PITY women without kids, even if it’s their choice. I really, really hate having to defend my choice and deflect those looks of “aww, you poor thing” when I tell people I never had children (or got married, for that matter). I’m this total mystery to a lot of people.
Would I have liked to get married? Sure. I was engaged not too long ago to a childfree man. The relationship didn’t work out for other reasons, and it actually got me thinking that I really may have to resign myself to being partnerless for life, if that’s all that’s left in the childfree world are men like him (he really did have some major issues).
Anyway, my point is that men just live their lives, and when they find a woman without kids it’s like a bonus. And most men, I think, aren’t as sensitive to being a step-parent as childfree women are. I won’t do it, and I don’t care how many people tell me I’m missing out on potentially wonderful men because of this. I do not want children in any custodial configuration in my relationship. I can’t build a life with someone who is already committed to someone else, and if that makes me selfish, then…okay.