Like It Is

…you’ve beheld the 8^th and 9^th wonders of the world. Twins!

It’s a funny old world, methinks. But these two posts from D-Listed made me laugh. And so of course I had to share it with you, wonderful childfree readers. For today is definitely not your day. No-one cares about you, because the eyes of the world (well, a good portion of it) are turned heaven-wards – sorry website and magazine-wards with feverish anticipation. I mean, it’s been on the International NEWS, dammit! Today is the day for the Brangelina Loons. Today’s the day that the $15million pics of the TWIN messiahs get released to the world.  (US$ 15 million for pictures of babies ???!!). Faarrk! 

Some are going potty (no pun intended, honest) with anticipation, cancelling everything except the most urgent bodily functions to be the first to gaze upon the golden babies. Clearly, these are no mere babies, right?

Get the scoop here:

Sunday Is The Most Important Day Of Your Life

 I really can’t add any more to it except to say I enjoyed it hugely. Thank God for some sane irreverence. Here’s an excerpt to whet your taste-buds:

“Yes, it’s true. People Magazine won the exclusive rights for the first pictures of Brangelina’s chosen twins. It’s rumored that they paid around $10 to $15 million, a record. Of course, the money is going to charity. I think the name of the charity is the “We’re Fucking Saints And You Know It Fund.“

Actually, it’s more likely Monday will be the crazy day. Since that’s when the Brangeloonies (love that name) will  officially be in raptures. Or perhaps they’ll have experienced the rapture after gazing worshipfully upon the blessed ones. Simply brangiful. Sigh.

And, don’t forget to read this one too.

My Eyes!!!

Better get down on your knees and get those dark glasses on. The light will be truly blinding. You’ve been warned.

Wonder if the Brangeloonies would like frankincense and myrrh with that…

Technorati Tags: childfree

It’s a short post today.

And to be honest this story doesn’t need that much dwelling on. But every time I read one of these reports of violent children (and they seem to be depressingly common these days) it makes me think of how glad I am that I am childfree. This is one thing I don’t have to worry about.

Clearly these violent children (now criminals) did not make the roll call for those who were destined to save the world. When asked by childed people if I “wasn’t interested in seeing if my progeny would develop the next world saving miracle drug, and how they were making a valuable contribution” I’ve been surprised at their total certainty. Not a chance of their child becoming anything less than the next Einstein. And while most kids don’t grow up to become criminals, it’s clear that it doesn’t take much as this link proves.

15 Year Old Gets Mad

Sadly this is but the latest in a string of reports about the violent tendencies of some of today’s children. The past few weeks in London have seen fatal stabbings by children as young as 13. Now, even being asked to pick up litter (garbage) you’ve dropped in a public place risks an attack by an angry teenage mob. Leave aside the fact that that dropping litter carries a fine anyway, the sheer disregard for other people, the lack of respect for the police and the sheer violence of the attack on the Police who were just doing their job are simply scary.

If these children have no sense of responsibility or common decency (which they obviously don’t) then who is to blame for creating these anti-social elements of society who are going to cost us more than they already do?

We should be concerned, since we’re forever lectured that children “are the future” so the childfree are doing a disservice in not having them.

I’m quite happy to pass. It’s just one more reason to be childfree.

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree

Maternity Leave “Damages” Women’s Careers

The childfree have little cause to worry about maternity leave… or do we? In Britain, women can take statutory maternity leave of up to a year with statutory pay of 39 weeks. The 52 weeks is the result of a recent extension, but what we’ve been suspecting for some time now is out in the open. And that is employers (particularly smaller businesses) are thinking twice before offering women jobs or promotion. Fathers can now also take paternity leave for up to two weeks. The government, after focusing on maternity leave for years now thinks that it’s that focus that’s causing the backlash. Their solution? To extend more leave to fathers so that it’s shared and called “parental leave,” presumably to take the heat off the maternity leave.

The times I’ve wished that I was entitled to some leave (other than holidays or vacation) to take care of what’s important to me are innumerable. Parental benefits always take priority over those without children. Family-friendly means people with children friendly. Women can go off every other year to have children and would still get the same benefits. But let’s put that unfairness aside for now and get back to the article.

While businesses want a rest from the changes to maternity leave the government on the other hand wants to extend the leave to both the mothers and the fathers. So that would mean upping the time fathers can take off as paternity or “parental” leave. That, of course only widens the problem for employers. Both parents could feasibly take up to 6 months off… if the current leave time is shared. Meanwhile businesses would be left with sorting out the resulting administrative paperwork nightmare as if they don’t have enough already. It remains to be seen whether men would rush to take up the extended parental leave. But who knows?

The anecdotal stories that some businesses are refusing to employ women of childbearing age maybe aren’t all that anecdotal after all.

So what does this have to do with the childfree? Leaving aside that the childfree and others without children are left to carry the extra workload when their colleagues are off having kids – and get no such accommodation it might actually be a good time to talk up the fact that we’re childfree. That we’re not going to go off and have children and that means we bring more flexibility to the employer.

Childfree Chick shows the way on her post here: Side Stepping the mommy tax. Well worth a read – and a indication of the future – a future where we won’t have to hide our child free-ness but can make it a unique selling point when it comes to getting a job.

Mothers feel they should have the right to careers as well as time to spend with their children. Here are the views of one mother taken from the BBC website:

“I took a year off when my son was born. I think spending the first year of your child’s life with them is hugely important and would not have done anything differently.

However, I was not entitled to my old job back when I returned to the same company, regardless of my loyalty and hard work, so a compromise had to be reached. I know that I will not have the same opportunities for promotion as I chose to come back part-time, but your priorities change and you don’t take work so seriously once you have a kid.

I think the whole process of returning to work should be made easier for women as it nearly gave me a hernia… it was so stressful arranging childcare and working out finances.”

If you don’t take work so seriously once you have a kid, then why should any business take the mother seriously? I wonder, will there ever come a time when childfree men and women get even half of the benefits one gets simply because they’ve decided to have children, a personal decision.

Here’s another view…

“Next week I will return to work after 10 months’ maternity leave. I have had to compromise my career in the police but that is more my choice than that of my employer, who has been very good. I do feel that some women feel they should have it all. Having children is a choice and a privilege that some are not lucky enough to have.”

My view? From what I have seen in working environments I’ve been in, mothers have nothing to complain about. Granted those are larger employers, whose benefit packages are substantial. But just recently I was hearing from one of my colleagues how three people off on maternity leave (one for the second time in as many years) was wrecking havoc on projects. Hiring replacements was extremely difficult and so people were doing double, even triple duty in terms of workload. That we still have to play second fiddle to those who decide to re-produce is something I hope will be rectified at some point. But I’m not holding my breath. And neither am I blaming smaller employers for looking out for what works best for their business.

Over to you.

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree

http://talk.sheknows.com/f86/its-negative-723657/

Which does beg the question… isn’t this a childfree alert? of course it’s because the word “childfree” is used, but it’s so annoying when it say “Google Blog Alert for; Childfree” only to read a bunch of discussions about ivf, devastation because  you can’t get pregnant and how it sucks that others take their fertility for granted. I just wish these weren’t in our “childfree” blog alerts. Then I wouldn’t have to read them.

But it’s clear that people don’t really understand what being childfree is all about. They’re now tending to use the term because it sounds better than “childless.” Of course it does. But is the term being incorrectly used?  Here’s my view.

“Childfree” is a state of mind and a state of living. It’s a profoundly happy and, grateful and joyful state of mind, in that truly childfree people, if they ever wanted children, do not regret that they don’t or couldn’t have them. Overwhelmingly  most childfree people can say quite happily that they don’t have children and don’t want children. They’ve made a choice – and they’re satisfied, despite public criticism.

“At this point I need to figure out what to do next. I’ve looked into adoption before. I’m not exactly sure if I want to go that route, but the alternative is to live “childfree.” I read that in a book, which sounds better than “childless”. Although technically, that is what I would be.”

So, what do you think –  is she childfree or childless?

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To breed or not to breed

“One day, when all the non-breeders are sitting in their recycled-wood rocking chairs, having developed gout from too much red wine and good living, I trust my children will be working hard to keep the Earth in good nick. For their children.”

I just had to laugh when I read this line. Dream on. It will be interesting to see just how much of the Earth will remain to be kept in good nick given the procreation instincts of the pro-childed. it’s funny that people with kids seem to forget how much children consume… consoling themselves into thinking that the children will just find “environmentally friendly ways of doing things.” That sounds like the “mother” of all oxymorons. Having children is about as un-environmentally friendly as you can get. Being childfree is the biggest environmental statement you can make, but one reason not to breed and often not the main reason.

According to the pro-natalist, however humans must breed. But look at the tired reasons they give… old people (whom she says are well off but still need strong young ‘uns to keep them in the life they’ve become accustomed to). Actually, fewer of them are actually that well off, many are going to be working well into their old age and it will be toss up if they can even maintain their current living standards. Instead of prattling on about how humans must go forth and continue populating the world with “the right breed of konsumer kiddies” wouldn’t it be more prudent to advocate for systems to help people sock as much away as possible for their older years? But no. Having children will presumably solve that…

As always, the comments are revealing…along with the usual collection of bingoes – too many to mention – and those who think having children is a “duty, mandate, or a directive from God.

The childed still believe they can convince the childfree they have to breed oops – pro-create… they don’t seem to understand that we are comfortable with our decision… unlike them.

Check it out – your thoughts?

Thanks to Childfreeeee for sending me the link to this video clip and her post.

Praise and Criticism for the today show

Blogspot mechanics meant that for some reason I couldn’t leave a comment on her blog (I don’t think blogger likes me) but I am only too happy to post here. I hope you’ll check out the post on her blog and comment there too.

I watched the video and my thoughts are very similar to Childfreeee’s. I wondered why the Today show was talking about the happiness of childed and childfree couples – yet had only childed people on the show. How on earth would childed people know anything about how happy childfree people are? Except of course through reading the studies that have been done.

As was mentioned in Childfreeee’s post, it would have been more authentic if they had actually had childfree people talking about their lives, how being childfree is an equally valid choice and that there are other options other than parenthood. And, as Childfreeee also said they could have given advice for parents not to be so intrusive when they speak with childfree people. But no.That was too much to expect.

But where I tuned out was when the interviewer asked “so how can we help parents be happier when they have children?”

It was back to the the supremacy of parents with children. Which was probably where it had always been, since they were the target audience.

I really don’t know why they even bothered to mention the childfree at all. But if shows can’t be bothered to get actual people who are living childfree (and represent them fairly) then let’s not have parent talking heads pretending to speak for them.

Watch the clip and do share your thoughts.

Technorati Tags: childfree

I am always to see how people find Like It Is, a childfree blog. In addition to searched on the term “childfree” some of the most common searches includes:

“how to make husband want children”

“tricking him into having a baby”

“I want a baby, husband does not”

“husband having vasectomy and I don’t want him to”

This post is one they most frequently arrive at.

I followed one of the vasectomy links and came upon this very interesting site. In the light of the last post, where we had women telling the world of their “struggle” to have kids, I found it good be reminded that not everyone needs or wants to reproduce. It’s hard for women to get tubals when they want them. But at least men here are able to get a vasectomy. They have to show a doctor that they’ve thought it out and have thought it through and considered all the potential impacts, however the point is they can get it done. Pity it’s not the same for women, who often find doctors welcoming if they want reproduce, but hostile to their decision not to.

Read the stories and, as always feel free to comment.

Vasectomy Information Stories

There are various stories from men who have had vasectomies, their experience of the procedure and, in most cases their reasons for having it done. While there are some stories of reversals these are few compared to those who were simply relieved to have the procedure done, and to be free from the fear of pregnancy. Or their partners having to use the pill.

Their stories are worth reading. Here are some excerpts from the Childfree posts. You can read their individual stories on the site.

“I wanted a vasectomy when I first found out that I could make kids whilst I was in special ED classes in school. Because I was a slow learner I didn’t want kids like me or worse. I was 14 years old when I found out that I could make kids and found out how to I asked my family dr about it when I was 15. My vasectomy was march 17 2004.”

M is Greenfeather’s wife. She tells the story from her perspective.

“I know how difficult a decision this is for most guys, and didn’t know for sure if he would go through with it. We are childfree, and want to remain childfree, so sterilization was a good option. It just remained to be seen who would get sterilized. I’m relieved to be done with birth control pills finally, and very proud of my husband for doing this for us.”

And this one is my personal favourite:

Australian childfree vasectomy story. “I came out of a long relationship with an infertile woman, and I still have no desire to have children. At 39 I still look early 30’s and have some interest from some younger, and my guess fertile women. Before enjoying my status of born again virgin, my biggest fear is the impact of getting someone pregnant; it happens even with contraception. I’m now a member of the infertile club. Although I didn’t need it immediately, it was good to have it done. For me it helps as a communication tool. I say to a woman “I’ve had a vasectomy” they respond “you can have it reversed”; I say “no chance”. We have a clear understanding, which is different to “I don’t want to have children’, where the woman still sees you as having the juice, but not willing to share it for procreation. It eliminates a certain section of prospective partners, but makes things more honest. I practice safe sex anyway, but if there is some stupid drunken activity, I know there will be no surprises later.”

Interesting how women assume that if a man has had a vasectomy, he will want to get it reversed to have kids with her? Another form of “you will change your mind about having kids, now we’ve met?”

Technorati Tags: childfree, Childfree

Every time I read about women’s “struggle” with infertility I have a hard time understanding how it gets magnified to such an extent as to warrant much of the attention it currently gets. People say it is not discussed enough - to me it seems that it’s all some people talk about. It seems always to be on childed people’s minds as if I happen to mention I chose not to have children, one of the more idiotic comments I get back is “what about women who can’t have children?” presumably to encourage me to reconsider my choice. Well what about them?

Of course, I know that, since I don’t feel sorry for women who “struggle with infertility” or women who try to move heaven and earth to have children, I’ll simply be written off as “harsh” “unsympathetic” and “insensitive”.

I read many of the comments – there are over 300 of them. And one thing I noticed was that, in the main anyone who suggested anything less than sympathy was deserved was generally labeled as negative, adoption was not welcomed as a solution to infertility even when some commentators suggested it and that the need to have a child coming from one’s own body was the ultimate goal.

This is what I find hard to understand: If the object of the yearning for a baby is to give love to that child then why is it that the thousands of abandoned children (supposedly also once wanted) are not a suitable objects for that maternal love? As one commentator said, imagine the impact on one changed child’s life.

If the object isn’t to give the child love then how does one describe the (want a child, must have a child, must have THEIR OWN child that is the driving force behind the quest for a child/children?

Adoption isn’t necessarily an instant solution. But here it seems to be bio child or no child.Which leads me to think that it’s not being a parent that is key here, it is giving birth to a biological child.

Perhaps counsel about being childfree should also be offered before people shell out all their worldly goods for IVF. Only that must be hard, because so few people actually understand or believe that being childfree as a choice can be liberating. Neither do they know any childfree examples.

Peppered through the comments are several telling phrases, such as what constitutes a “normal” woman’s body( one that produces children) and how anyone who dares voice anything other than sympathy is “hostile”, and an example of what these infertile women have to face from society.

I wonder if it’s anything near the comments that childfree men and women get on an almost daily basis. No sympathy for us, because of course WE are not striving to make our own bio-child… or any child for that matter.

Anyway, I am sure you can make up your own minds.

Sympathy for the Infertile?

In my last post I listed 40 of the more common questions that the childfree get on account of their decision not to breed or their lack of desire to go along with the masses in re-producing themselves. As was expected, we had some lively discussion. This post on first glance shares some similarities, but only some. Actually I thought of it while I was writing last week’s post but thought it would be interesting to separate the two issues.

By the time you’ve read down the list (and probably added your own) you will see that the difference with list list is that they are statements. Many of you commented that the childed don’t even bother to ask questions, they simply make a statement of, in their mind, “fact.” Exactly where they get their “facts” from remains a mystery, particularly since they can be demolished with just a little thought. Because most are not even logical. Doesn’t stop them being levied with breathtaking certainty though. I won’t go into how insulting they are, I think that’s self evident, particularly if you’ve been on the receiving end.

Now, over the past couple of years these so-called “statements of fact have appeared in posts on Like It Is (and on other blogs – kudos there) under topics of their own, so you’ll recognize many of them instantly. And YES! They ARE bingoes for the most part. But, like the previous post, I wanted to see what they looked like all grouped together. And like the previous post I found myself wondering what right people have to make these statements… and how much crap we as childfree people find ourselves putting up with. So here goes. Let’s see how many I can get down…

1. Every woman wants children
2. Having children is a natural part of life
3. Children are the future
4. There’s nothing more important than being called Mummy. Or Daddy or parent.)
5. It’s different when they’re your own
6. You’ll regret it if you don’t have children
7. Children are your way of giving back
8. You’ll change your mind when (fill in blank…) you’ll grow out of it
9. You’re missing out on life (if you don’t have children)
10. Once you have them, you will love them
11. People who don’t have kids are unloved
12. People who don’t have kids are lonely
13. You don’t leave a legacy if you don’t have kids
14. Your life will be empty without kids
15. Having kids is what you do
16. You must hate children if you don’t want your own
17. Not having children is un-natural
18. Not having kids is un-Christian
19. We are supposed to have children – God says so
20. You’re unfulfilled without kids
21. I can’t imagine life without my kids
22. Having kids defines you
23. Having children makes you grow up
24. Not having kids is selfish
25. You’re selfish if you don’t want kids
26. You must hate parents if you don’t like kids
27. Having children makes you a family
28. Having a child is the ultimate womanly achievement
29. Having a child is the best thing ever
30. Nothing is more important than having children
31. You’re not contributing to society if you don’t have children
32. You’re not doing your bit if you don’t have children
33. You’re wasting your life if you don’t have kids
34. But You’re smart… you’d make great parents
35. You’re (fill in appropriate blank with political/religious/racial noun) you ought to have kids
36. You’re letting your family/religion/race/country/planet down if you don’t have kids
37. It’s a sin not to want kids
38. You’ll be unhappy if you don’t have kids
39. You’re denying your husband children if you don’t want kids
40. You have good jobs, you should have kids
41. If you don’t want kids, there’s no point getting married
42. A child makes your life/marriage complete
43. A child is how you leave your mark on the world
44. Having kids makes you a better/stronger/kinder/selfless/person
45. But you were meant to have kids!
46. Children make you happy
47. Since you don’t have children you couldn’t possibly understand (fill in kid related issue)
48. The rewards of having children outweigh everything you could possibly imagine
49. Men grow up through having kids
50. You’re obviously not cut out to be a parent
51. If you don’t have children you must be angry and bitter
52. Raising children is the most important job in the world
53. If you don’t have kids you don’t leave your genes behind
54. Women are programmed to want children
55. Well, you’re getting married. It’s good you’re settling down and having kids
56. You must have a child… it’s the best feeling in the world!
57. We’re just waiting for you to have your own kids
58. You don’t know what you’re missing
59. If you don’t want kids, you need a psychiatrist
60. Kids are more important than the planet
61. You’re not a real woman unless you have children
62. They can do great things with fertility drugs these days!
63. Your marriage is empty without children

Wow… we’re at 63 and counting – and I’m tired. The thing is as we know – there are several more of these bingos (check Explosive Bombchelle’s blog) and on other blogs, and most of all in our collective memories when we’ve either been on the receiving end of these stupid statements or know someone who has.

And, though I know that some of these also are bingo-ed as questions. I have avoided listing the questions. We had 40 of those last week.

Technorati Tags: childfree

I thought it would be interesting to list (some of) them. It’s really staggering the questions childfree people get asked simply because we’ve made a choice not to re-produce. These questions are quite a massive intrusion into a very personal decision. Yet the childfree get asked them, and sometimes, we even try to answer them! Even though it’s none of anyone’s business why we don’t want to have kids, people seem to make a point of making it their business.

I’ve numbered them simply for ease of reading… they’re all as irritating as the other and they’re in no particular order of importance. Some are so silly I have trouble not adding (duh!?) after them. And it doesn’t include the statements. Those are different. But many of these questions are often presented to the childfree as statements of “fact.”

1. Do you have children?
2. Why not?
3. Don’t you like children?
4. When are you going to have children?
5. Aren’t you leaving it too late?
6. When are you going to give me grandkids?
7. Why don’t you like children?
8. Why are you so selfish?
9. Doesn’t your husband want children?
10. Who’s going to look after you (when you’re old, sick,)
11. Why aren’t you doing your bit for society?
12. Why don’t you want to be a mother?
13. Why don’t you want to be a father?
14. Isn’t that selfish?
15. Who’s going to pay for your pension?
16. Who are you going to leave your shoes, house, clothes, worldly goods to?
17. Aren’t you lonely?
18. Are you normal?
19. How can you not want kids?
20. Don’t you like yourself?
21. Do you hate parents?
22. What if your parent’s hadn’t had you?
23. What’s wrong with you?
24. What about women who can’t have children?
25. What else is there in life if you don’t have children?
26. Isn’t that what everyone does?
27. What’s life if you don’t have kids?
28. What if everyone thought like you?
29. Did you have a bad childhood?
30. Don’t you want to make your mother/father grandparents?
31. Don’t you want a fambly family?
32. What do you spend your money on?
33. What contribution have you made to society?
34. How can you deprive your husband of a child/children?
35. Why aren’t you fulfilling your nurturing role?
36. Don’t you want to have your own flesh and blood?
37. Don’t you want to experience being pregnant?
38. Where’s your maternal instinct?
39. How will you fill your life?
40. When are you going to Grow Up?

I stopped at 40 but of course there are many more. I’m sure you can add your own and even variations. Go right ahead.

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree