Like It Is

He isn’t childfree but…

I found this interesting thread in a Google search. I am posting the original message in it’s entirety with the link back to Men’s Issues, because I think it’s well worth a good read – and I’d like as many people to read it as possible. For that reason this article is rather long – so be warned. Although I’ve posted Bazahuma’s very well written forum post here, I encourage you to go over to Men’s Issues and read the responses. The discussion there is very interesting…

Bazahuma says

“I’m 47 and married to my second wife who is 38. We’ve been together for 9 years and married for almost 5. I have a daughter who is 13 from the first marriage. I love my daughter in absolute terms. She spends half of her time with us, has known my wife since she was 3 and they adore each other. All together we, as a family, have a great relationship.

Here’s the issue and sadly I imagine it’s been heard many times. Before my current wife and I even started getting serious I told her that I absolutely did not want to have any more children; which she stated was not a problem for her. She had a career she was working on launching and didn’t think pregnancy and babies would ever fit into her schedule. Prior to her moving in with me, almost two years into our relationship we had another sit-down discussion about children where I expressed absolutely no desire to have any more children and that if she thought for a moment that she wanted kids then I wasn’t the right guy for her and to be fair to herself, to me, and my daughter she should find someone who shares the same desires. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: childfree

When socialist Rene Almeling decided to look into the operations of U.S sperm banks and egg agencies she thought she knew what she would find. She found something very different from what she expected – a market that not only defies conventional wisdom but also the basic law of supply and demand. Her research findings,which appear in the June issue of the American Sociological Review are revealing. She found that, in terms of assisted reproduction:

“Men donors are paid less for a much longer time commitment and a great deal of personal inconvenience,”. They also are much less prepared for the emotional consequences of serving as a donor of reproductive material. Women, meanwhile, are not only paid more for a much shorter time commitment, they are repeatedly thanked for ‘giving the gift of life.’

“ Egg donors are treated like gold while sperm donors are perceived as a dime a dozen.” Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: Egg donors, sperm donors

I recently wrote an article on infertile couples in the UK heading into Cyberspace to hunt down fresh sperm, due to the drop in available sperm. The lack of sperm supplies is a direct result of the removal of anonymity for sperm donors in 2005, hitherto part of the package when men donated. The abolition of the right of all sperm donors to remain anonymous means that after April 1 2005 all men who registered as a donor could have their identity revealed to the children created from their sperm when those child turned 18.

Many men were put off – understandably. Many had visions of multiple children, spawned by their sperm (in what was probably a genuine wish to help) turning up on their door step looking for financial assistance or claiming to be their child. When you consider the fact that the men’s sperm can be used for up to a maximum of 10 families (eek!!), the prospect is even less appealing. Information as to exactly what requirements are expected are hard to come by for the sperm donors. And in a Britain that is subject to European legislation, I can easily see a law down the road where sperm donors are made responsible for some kind of financial assistance should their donor children turn up on their doorstep asking for it. Read the rest of this entry »

She has two of her own, thought she was done… and then the unexpected hits.

This article from Salon is almost the reverse of my last article in which the husband does not want more children but the wife does. Fascinating. The actual situation is interesting. The advice from Cary Tennis – well, read on. The reader responses are equally interesting.

Summarizing the Salon article, RM (Reluctant Mommy) did not want to have children past a certain age. She’s been married for two years (her second) to a man she loves dearly. She has 14 year old twins from her first marriage. He is 13 years her senior and has never had children. It’s his first marriage. Before they got married she had said she did not want to have children past a certain age. Even though she loves her children, she did not love parenting at all.And she told her hubby that children were not a guarantee.

After they married she discovered she had endometriosis. Interestingly, she wanted to have her tubes tied – her husband asked her to hold off. She held off.

Before trying hormone therapy for the endometriosis RM wanted to have a hysterectomy. She allowed her gynaecologist and her husband to talk her out of it.

Then she became pregnant. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: Cary Tennis, Salon

“My husband tells me today that he made an appt. to get a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore children. We have two wonderful sons that we both adore more then life itself but I have always dreamed of having a daughter since I was a little girl. I wanted to keep trying for her..”

I came across an interesting forum thread through following a Google search term used to find Like It Is. I thought that it made an interesting read coming shortly after my article
Men, Vasectomies and the Childfree Choice. This article isn’t so much about childfree men as much as men who don’t want any more kids and are having vasectomies to ensure they don’t make any more additions to the world.

Tip – I’ve provided excerpts, but you need to read the responses in the thread. (I have also left the excerpts exactly as is in terms of spelling etc.) Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: childfree, vasectomies

Now when Baby grows up and asks Mummy where she came from, Mummy can say -“I got you off the Internet, sweetheart.”

The Internet sperm baby gamble

After three cycles of IVF and spending over 12,000 on IVF, Marcus and Tammy Kiebel turned to a stranger on a UK website for sperm. Is it me or is this yet another rather cold example of how far people are prepared to go in their desperate bid to have a baby?

Since the law in England was changed about 18 months ago to allow sperm donor children to trace their biological fathers, there has been an acute shortage of sperm. While men were happy to donate sperm to sperm banks, they were less enthralled at the thought of being traced or hit upon for financial or other support by their donor-conceived children. So, many have stopped donating. Sperm supplies have plummeted.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: sperm donor, sperm

Much of the information on sterilization has been overwhelmingly centred on women.And even that information isn’t an awful lot.  Not much is heard of, or written about, men who either hope to be sterilized or who have been. I am always keen to hear more about men and their choice to be childfree.

I came across this very informative and well written article. Called Is It Hip To Snip?  it’s a bit of a long read, however very well worth reading to the end. I thought I’d highlight here some of the article’s key points that stood out to me.

More and more men are making the decision to be childfree and when they do, many want to get a vasectomy as soon as they can.

They also get told by doctors that they are too young, or that they will change their minds. We know that women face this roadblock all the time.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: sterilization, childfree

According to the Guardian Unlimited, FHM recently commissioned a magazine survey that revealed that men are increasingly yearning for more work-life balance. Before I go any further, let me vent my irritation on that phrase “work-life balance”.

Work-life balance, in the context it is used in general parlance, is referring to balance only for parents with children.

Not for those of us who are childfree, whether by choice or by happenstance. Childfree people need not apply, unless they want the questions like, “but you don’t have a family, do you? I mean, you don’t have kids.” That’s when I wish I could do an “Ally McBeal” scene where the head that produced the idiot comment swells up and explodes… but I digress.

Men apparently want a 50/50 deal with their partners, sharing the childcare and the housework. The problem is, just when the men have got to feeling this way (and isn’t this what women really want?) the ground’s shifted. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: childfree

Good Evening, Lydia,

I read your article and I did find it interesting. However, people in general, can and often times do, choose not to have kids for many viable and non-selfish reasons. And sometimes those non-selfish reasons can at surface level seem selfish, but when in fact are not. Here are some examples that readily come to mind.

(1a.) asthma and diabetes run strong in my husband and myself’s families…I grew up with it since I was 1 years old. Why would I put another soul through the kind of sickness and suffering that I went through all of my life? That would be very selfish of me. b) Diabetes can worsen the quality of life, why would I be selfish to put another soul through that?
Diabetes can lead to poor circulation and gout.

2.) If you know from the very beginning, that you could not handle some brats incessant screaming and acting up, and you know that you would have zero patience, ..why abuse the child or worse than that to a child, because you have not enough patience or tolerance? that would be selfish.

3.) Is it selfish to say no to having kids, because you have a lot of debt or do not make enough?

4.) Is it selfish to like peace and quiet in our daily lives?,

5.) Is it selfish to want to have the freedom to choose when and where we like to travel or eat dinner at ? I do not think it is wrong for anyone to choose a life that works for them. We have wonderful friends, family members and hobbies/interests that keep life enriching and enjoyable and meaningful for us.

I would like others who think peoples life’s ambitions are to get married and have kids….to understand that many others choose a happy, valid childfree way of life and to not try to force their views onto already happy, well-adjusted childfrees or for the people sitting on the fence and are undecided.

Thanks for listening. I hope this explains things better.

christine, chris and da birdies.

Technorati Tags: childfree

Much of the information gathered on child free living has been about women. We know that more and more women are choosing to be childfree. Fertility data is usually gathered on women. Parenting magazines and literature are mostly written by and aimed at women. And childfree women are increasingly prepared to speak and stand up for decision in the face of continuing hostility from our pronatalist society.

But what about the men? Where are their voices? I think that here, there is a huge information gap. We know that there are many childfree men, if only by virtue of some of them being married to, or partners of, childfree women and the fact that more couples are deciding not to have children. There are plenty of books on the joys of fatherhood, but I have, to date found only one (The Chosen Lives Of Childfree Men, by Patricia Lunneborg) that comprehensively addresses men’s reasons for deciding to remain childfree – and, at nearly $70, it’s a pretty expensive book. I remember I had to back order it on Amazon, but

I was determined to get hold of it. It’s worth every penny.

Whether it’s having children or deciding to be childfree, society still views the decision as predominantly the woman’s choice. Society doesn’t seem to say much about where men come into this choice. Isn’t it supposed to be their choice as well? I think it is. Yet, where women have made up their mind that one way or the other they are going to have kids, it seems it doesn’t matter what the men think. Read the rest of this entry »