Like It Is

She has two of her own, thought she was done… and then the unexpected hits.

This article from Salon is almost the reverse of my last article in which the husband does not want more children but the wife does. Fascinating. The actual situation is interesting. The advice from Cary Tennis – well, read on. The reader responses are equally interesting.

Summarizing the Salon article, RM (Reluctant Mommy) did not want to have children past a certain age. She’s been married for two years (her second) to a man she loves dearly. She has 14 year old twins from her first marriage. He is 13 years her senior and has never had children. It’s his first marriage. Before they got married she had said she did not want to have children past a certain age. Even though she loves her children, she did not love parenting at all.And she told her hubby that children were not a guarantee.

After they married she discovered she had endometriosis. Interestingly, she wanted to have her tubes tied – her husband asked her to hold off. She held off.

Before trying hormone therapy for the endometriosis RM wanted to have a hysterectomy. She allowed her gynaecologist and her husband to talk her out of it.

Then she became pregnant. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: Cary Tennis, Salon

At last!

A Canadian book about childfree people, long overdue. A big thanks to Timethief for highlighting this prize-winning book – Nobody’s Mother: Life Without Kids. Given the discussion here over the past few days, this book is timely in more ways than one. I for one am planning to add it to my library.

I am looking forward to more and more books like this one being published. Hopefully that will go some way to removing the stigma that childfree women and their partners continue to undergo from society and sometimes family, in addition to validating our choice in the face of criticism, questions and the inevitable bingoes.

I can hardly wait to find out what the “Yummy Mummy” is.

I think the book write up is worthy of more highlighting, so, as well as the link, I have added a couple of screen captures.

Edited by Lynne Van Luven, finalist in the 2007 BC Book Prizes. Foreword by Shelagh Rogers.

Technorati Tags: childfree, stigma, childfree women, choice

Another one?

This is getting a bit like “haven’t we been here before? A couple of days ago??” This is depressing.

And they say some parents should not have a licence for having kids. And they say some parents should not have psychiatric evaluations to check if they might be a danger to their offspring.

Guess more kids are just gonna have to die then. Pity, because these kids might have been keen advocates for such an evaluation. Who will stick up for them? Where are the indignant parents voices screaming about this latest atrocity? Seems to me that they are becoming far too commonplace – though I’m sure some will be quick to say “oh, this isn’t the norm, course it isn’t. It’s rare. Sometimes kids push you over the edge, you know”.

Newsflash! You could do everyone (but especially your child) a favour and decide not to have them…

The point is, it should not happen. AT ALL. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: parents, kids

The more I learn, the less, it seems, I know. That’s good. Because it makes me pause and challenge many things that years back, I just believed because, well, I just did. Didn’t know any better. I’m talking about the myths. We know them. With a few exceptions we’ve heard them ever since we were old enough to understand. We’ve had them rammed down our throats. The motherhood/children mystique that women are always told they really should aspire to, (whatever else they might do) which, as far as childfree women are concerned are easy to dispel once you know how.

Learning how can be tricky. But as childfree women and men we have done it. To do that they they have to have strong belief in themselves, if not, I believe the pressure from others to have kids (and more kids) is too strong to resist. A childfree person is not interested in going with the flow or conforming. They are gutsy.

I am interacting with more childfree people than ever, particularly, though unsurprisingly, through Like It Is. It’s inspiring. As far as the whole parenting thing is concerned, I believe in general women have been sold a bill of goods. Some are still buying the goods, in fact are ardent recruiters to the “ you must have kids circle”. Having bought into the various promises myths, even when they discover much of it is not what it’s cracked up to be, keep silent about their discovery, Read the rest of this entry »

Alison Marshall likes spending time with their niece and nephew. She also likes giving them back at the end of the day and returning to the relative peace and quiet of her home. Alison and her husband are childfree. Like me, she likes children in small doses. I can certainly identify.

This article in the The Times Online, called Two’s Family, Three’s a Pain by Anabell Thorpe, makes an interesting read. Although much of it isn’t news to most childfree people (um, yes, we’ve been living quite happy fulfilled lives, thanks very much, despite the ridicule and hostility we face at almost every turn) it is at least good to see an article in the mainstream media that is fairly supportive of the childfree life. Or at the very least doesn’t condemn it. I also liked how they included input from Nicky DeFago, who is childfree – and whose book Childfree and Loving It I highly recommend.

A few points in the article I thought were worthy of mention - you’ll probably be familiar with these already: Read the rest of this entry »

The Childfree Network, started by Leslie LaFayette, and which I mentioned in an earlier article is based on the following beliefs. I couldn’t agree more, and thought they are worth sharing. Worth shouting from the rooftops, in fact!

• That childfree adults or adults who are childless by chance or choice have a right to be recognized, respected and appreciated for their unique contributions and not to be judged on whether or not they have children.
• That too many people are not giving enough careful thought to the decision to have children today.
• That it is time to begin to honestly educate young people to the realities of parenting.
• That biology is not destiny, that one’s self esteem and sexual identity should have nothing to do with one’s fertility or virility.
• That we are whole and complete just the way we we are.
• Once a decision has been made not to have children it should be respected by everyone.
• A childfree life can be a full, productive, happy life and should be carefully considered by those who are not absolutely sure they want to be parents.
• It is time our society and our governments considers a re-definition of the word “family” to include, rather than exclude, the growing segments of society that do not reflect the traditional families of the fifties.

(Source: The Parenthood Decision, by Beverly Engel).

Being single and surrounded by couples can make shaping a successful social life very difficult. It’s even harder if you are childfree and surrounded by couples and children, or even singles and children. Friendships with with those who have children can become strained or broken as it becomes increasingly apparent you have less and less in common.

I find this is particularly the case with new parents. New parents want to talk about their new children and everything to do with their experience of becoming a parent and that’s to be expected. If you’re not a parent yourself however, there is little you can contribute. Given that most friendships are based on common interests, if you’re not bored from the get-go, and feel that your friendship is worth the changes in many cases as friends the chances of drifting apart are high. Read the rest of this entry »

Deciding to live childfree includes putting to rest the potentially active ghost of second-guessing. For good. Being childfree is a choice, which means more than likely there were other choices we could have made. Continually saying or thinking thoughts like: “Should we have?”, “Could I have?” “Will I regret it later?” “What if we made a mistake?” is second-guessing.

Why waste hours, day, years - even a minute – berating yourself for supposedly missing the boat, not having the family people are telling you you ought to have, or that you think everyone else has? Why waste time comparing your life to the fantasy filled life filled with perfect children? Never mind that the fantasy is continually shouted at us from every societal corner.

Often, childfree adults and childfree women in particular, are either told by parents and other “well-meaning” people that if they don’t have children “they’ll regret it and find out too late what they’ve missed out on…” or, Read the rest of this entry »

A baby will bring us closer together.

Not necessarily. In fact, not quite often, not at all. And not according to this article, which I came across on Childfree News. In a study done recently it was found that “half of all Australian couples report a significant decline in satisfaction in their relationships after they have a child.”

As Vinny on Childfree News says, it isn’t particularly shocking news to childfree folk. After all, the quality of their relationship with each other is a big reason childfree couples decide to be and remain childfree. I would suspect it isn’t really a surprise to childed folk either, just not talked about. But it is nice to see it actually in print for a change and announced for people to see it. When people say they had a baby to bring them closer together, I often wonder if it means that the relationship was already in trouble and Read the rest of this entry »

Childfree people are well aware of the societal pressure to have children. It’s real and not very subtle. Though difficult, and often irritating, it can usually be dealt with. But there is another pressure that can be much harder to deal with, and that is the pressure from your own parents.

Depending where you come in your family, this pressure can vary in its effect. For example if you are the eldest child, as I am, you are unlikely to escape certain expectations. I always said that if you were the first child, you are the one your parents had to practice with. By the time my younger siblings were born, they could get away with things I never could. That’s because may parents had been there and done that, so to speak. And if your older siblings are having children, the situation can go a number of ways for you for example:

Your older sisters or brothers are most likely providing the grandchildren, taking the spot light off you or

You come under the “Well, what about you, when are you going to follow your (name of sibling)’s footsteps?” spotlight.

If you’re from a patrilineal family (Western Christian tradition generally) where the family name is passed on through the son, then the pressure will be on the son to have children. The pressure on women to have children is always there, regardless.

In my particular case, two of my younger siblings have had children, so at least the dream of being grandparents has been fulfilled for my parents. I believe, however, that parents bring different types of pressure to bear on different children at different times – they use whatever works.

Whichever way you look at it, often the message is the same: There’s an expectation for you to have children. If you decide you don’t want to have children, and can’t be persuaded that you’ve temporarily (or permanently) taken leave of your faculties, then it’s time for the big guns to be trundled out and the gentle hints to become a little more strident – and insistent.

You more or less stand accused of denying somebody else of something they have always wanted. Read the rest of this entry »