Comments for Like It Is

Comment on On Men, “Kidults” – And Not Wanting Kids by Ashley

Ashley — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:09:06 +0000

I’m in somewhat of a unique situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We’ve talked about marriage and in several instances talked about kids. We even spent an evening thinking up names for our future kids. We’ve even discussed the timeframe for getting engaged and married.

Then, after much discussion with him (because we live together), I took a temporary job in California. So now I’m 3,000 miles away. This isn’t the second time we’ve done long-distance but its the first time that its for a considerable lenght of time. Recently, I broached the subject of saving for our wedding because I have a steady income and we both have good jobs. It was at this time that my boyfriend thought it best to tell me that he’s not sure if he wants to have kids. While I applaud his honesty, this caught me by surprise. I handled the phone call the best I could and then suggested we touch bases in a few days after I’ve had time to process it.

After much contemplation and talking with my closest friends, I’ve decided to tell him that I’d like to wait to have this discussion when he and I are face to face. This is an important discussion that has serious implications for our future. I don’t think my boyfriend is a “Kidult.” There’s so many extinguating circumstances. A few months ago, he lost his father to a horrible illness and now he has to cope with helping his mother out at home. And, in his words, he never realized how negative his mother is about life in general and how that some times impacts his own behavior.

I’m not saying that I’m trying to talk him out of not wanting children but I want both of us to take time to really think about what it is we want and don’t want as individuals. And then come together to discuss that. If after that discussion, there’s still that fundamental difference, then that’s okay. We tried and we both accept the possiblity of breaking up.

Just looking for thoughts, concerns, or advice. Thanks!

Comment on On Men, “Kidults” – And Not Wanting Kids by the doctor

the doctor — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:44:09 +0000

I wish i could find a nice,fun,highly intelligent and adventurous girl with ambition to save the world and explore the universe that look great in doing it to spend my life without having to deal with the pre-programmed brainwash need to re-produce like the lot of “sheeple the apelike humans on this planet seem to be !

But ah yes, Thats a nice dream… Shhh do not wake me up!

Comment on Why Do Anti-Childfree People Visit Childfree blogs? by Sophie

Sophie — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 11:30:12 +0000

I think some of the posters have forgotten that they were all children once – and children are just little human beings! I don’t understand all the child bashing on this site!

Comment on Having Kids Is Overrated… Let’s Hear It For The Boys by the doctor

the doctor — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:31:29 +0000

For some all they can aspire to be in life is a reproducing vessel, Dreams,adventure and improving the quality of life for their “already exsisting” fellow beings is beyond the scope of those individuals.

That leaves the rest of us one big mess to clean up and what a good thing we dont want kids! Because if we did WHO would be here to catch the falling world while they were busy changing diapers and wiping butts?

QUESTION EVERYTHING!

Comment on On Men, “Kidults” – And Not Wanting Kids by the doctor

the doctor — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:11:45 +0000

If you are a guy who has no desire to have children and the woman you are with wants to, The sad truth of the matter is your world is no longer protected, you are not safe.

No matter how wonderful she is and how strong your love is there is very little chance she will see the logic of not being shackled to parenthood.

How many men have given in,given up and led a life that was never what they chose? How may men cry quietly in to their pillows every night knowing that they totally gave up on them selves and their real dreams of romantic adventure?

Men think about who and what you are! You may have much more to offer this world as a “free” man not just another breeding number…

Basically, RUN!

Comment on Childfree? Noisy Kids Upstairs? You May Be Asked to Suck it Up by crying

crying — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:11:21 +0000

I posted in november as crying and i am happy to say that our landlady let us move to another apartment. This did not happen without a lot of complaining. The lease had some clause in it that after 6 months we could move to another apartment and continue on the same lease. It is better, we are now the upstairs tenants and currently there are no children around us, thank goodness! Good luck to all of you maybe you have something like this in your lease. After 6 months we are still moving hopefully to a single floor flat with no one above or below us.

Comment on Childfree – How Do You Cope With the Pressure to Procreate? by Scarebear

Scarebear — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:45:31 +0000

Xaviere,

Suggesting volunteer work is a good idea. I may try that with my baby-rabid MIL. When we were dating, DH told her we weren’t having kids and she grudgingly accepted (though she did pout and whine for quite some time). Now that we’re married she seems to think there was a statute of limitations on that decision and that we are going to change our minds. I am considering telling her to look into being a foster parent, or volunteering at the children’s hospital, but what is a good way to say that in a loving manner?

Comment on Childfree – When Confirming a Pregnancy Makes Headlines What Does It Say About Society? by Beth

Beth — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:17:49 +0000

Brynhild,

I’ve also experienced the loss of friendship due to friends getting married, or even just dating. Most of my women friends were so quick to commit that within a couple of months of dating, they acted as if the world revolved around their men. Yet I never stopped wanting to go out when I was dating someone or even now that I’m married. Most attached men are able to have “boys’ nights out” without guilt or reservations, so why don’t more women do the same?

Comment on $305,000 – The Average Cost of Raising a Child in Canada by Amy

Amy — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:08:44 +0000

This kind of data saddens me.i came from a family of 6 kids. I grew up in kenya, my
parents worked hard to take us to good private schools. Isaw the strain it caused,as tution fees increased each year.it was hard for me to see my family struggle just to keep us in good schools,they sacrifised so much. I decided early on not to ever have children. It has been the best decision i ever made. I travel alot,eat out in good restaurants,spend quality time reading,meditating,yoga, charity and volunteer work. I also run a business.
When i do all these thi gs, i think of my wonderful parents.

Amy
Nairobi.

Comment on Childfree? What About My Grandchildren? by Mary macdonald

Mary macdonald — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:19:18 +0000

Raising children is very hard in today’s world and too many go into it without much thought, but because it is their right to be parents, or because it is expected. We can choose today not to get pregnant. It is expensive, stressful, demanding and the toughest job there is. But it can be so rewarding. I have 2 adult children , one who has a partner and one who is single. I have never asked either if they want children, nor hinted to them I would feel like I missed out not being a grandmother. I like kids, thoroughly enjoyed being a mother and feel fortunate I was blessed with these 2. BUT, that doesn’t mean I need to do it all over again through my kids! They have the right to make that choice and maybe their lives would be easier if they choose not to procreate.
There is an entire world out there to learn about and enjoy, including other people’s grandchildren! Do volunteer work with children if you want them in your later years. Why is it so important to see your family line reproduced- was is that superior?
Of course it is sad if your adult child wants kids and can’t have any – that is different. But many people have worse problems to deal with.
For all the wanna be frustrated grandparents: count your blessings, enjoy your adult children, their achievements, spend time with them and nuture friendships. We humans can all be one big family on this earth.

Comment on Childfree – Do You Worry Who Will Take Care of You When You Get Old? by whatever

whatever — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:37:45 +0000

Hi Nerd,

Though I like what you are saying, I would add not to place too much faith in close lasting friendships. I was always the most caring friend, but once my friends got married, they dropped me like our 20 year friendships meant nothing. Another joined a cult. Another just became an arrogant asshole.

Comment on Why Do Anti-Childfree People Visit Childfree blogs? by Liz @ MaybeBabyMaybeNot

Liz @ MaybeBabyMaybeNot — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:41:43 +0000

I think I know why these enflamed parents are stalking the childfree sites – it’s because they’re FASCINATED with our kid-free lives. They know we’re the ones spending our double-income-no-kids salaries on lovely vacations, following our dreams of achieving personal milestones, and yes, even spending time with kids we love like our nieces and nephews (as long as we get to hand them back to the parents when they start crying). They miss it, that threatens them, so they feel the need to put down the Childfree to justify their own life choices. Anyone who is truly satisfied with their life as a parent would never come to a Childfree site – they’d be too busy loving their kids and spending time with them. It’s a a little “the lady doth protest too much”, if ya know what I mean.

Comment on Childfree? Noisy Kids Upstairs? You May Be Asked to Suck it Up by craig

craig — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:17:16 +0000

I have noisy neighbors in my duplex and i can hear their children running and jumping all day long. i’m a student and i need some peace and quiet which i enjoyed before they moved in. now its a free for all for their kids. i’ve complained to the landlord and to their faces. the first time i knocked on the door, this sweet little lady answered and her child bolted out of the door, right past me and began monkeyingaround on the banister of the stairs. i calmly stressed my qualms about her kids. she said she could do whatever she can but makes no promises. we have a park literally across the street and i have yet to see (or hear) the kids over there. there are plenty of other neighborhood kids to play with but they refuse to let their children outside. i heard the repercussions of what she did to the little boy who bolted past me, as he was crying nonstop for an hour after she closed the door.
this is my main complaint. i don’t care that the kids are loud, they are kids. but we have a park for a reason and its absurd that this “parent” won’t take her children to the park to play. there is a big open field, a playground, and a basketball court for everyone to use, yet this lady refuses to let her children play on it. these kids are lacking the needed stimualtion of the outside world that they so desperately crave. i see why my generation is so apathetic now. because our parents are/were just like these parents. they don’t give a shit.
the only solution i’ve come up with is to better the situation and my wife and i are moving into a rental home with 2 of our friends. if i’m 45 years old with living in a duplex with two obnoxious kids and my neighbors have had enough of me and my miserable life because i refuse to take my children outside, please, shoot me in the head.

Comment on Childfree – How Do You Cope With the Pressure to Procreate? by Tabby

Tabby — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 14:55:00 +0000

My favorite way to counteract the ‘accidental pregnancy’ gambit is to say, “Yanno, that’s hard to do when you’re STERILE.” Now, to my best knowledge, I’m fertile. But the bingo player doesn’t need to know that, now do they? *insert evil grin here* It’s more to make the point that the other person is being rude by inquiring into a very personal area of life. If they continue, I simply say, “Look, you’re annoying as hell. I don’t have to explain myself to you, so stop asking and get on with life.”

Yes, you can say it: I’m an acerbic bitch. I don’t mind; I was born this way.

Comment on Childfree? Noisy Kids Upstairs? You May Be Asked to Suck it Up by lifesucks

lifesucks — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:32:31 +0000

am tempted to print this article and comments and put in upstairs neighbors mailbox. Since they moved above me 4 yr.s ago and had a boy 3 yr.s ago things have been pure hell and getting worse: she is pregnant and expecting any month now AND they don’t plan on moving. I’ve been unemployed for 4 yrs. and could not move if I wanted to, my landlady knows i can pay her from my savings for now but a total stranger would never rent to a long term jobless person like me (my credit report is shot too most like) and i am not sure I won’t end up homeless so in addit to dealing with all my personal stress I am woken any time from 6 am by the kid running and jumping right above me in his living room but for some reason his favorite spot is on my bedroom end rather than over my bathroom or kitchen, he is shouting and screaming, this continues till he leaves for daycare around 830 and resumes once he gets back home between 4-5 and on w/e it’s an all day free for all, I am dead tired and cannot fall back asleep once he leaves as my nerves are too shot, being noise sensitive to begin with. I believe he has ADHD, it seems he cannot sit still EVER and he never plays up in his room which is on the 3rd fl. (I live on the ground level they have 2 stories)so i’d not hear him. Now that he’s talking he is talking loudly and because he shouts his parents have taken to shouting as well, i can actually hear snippets of conversation w/o trying to. The kid goes to bed some time around 8 but then its the parents turn to stomp around till 1am or later. They put hardwood floors in 2 yrs. ago, that was really fun, I had to leave the condo during the day, pounding for hours for weeks on end, i wondered if each wooden panel was hand malleted with 3 dz. nails each or what. They didnt put any carpeting on so now the kid rides his tricycle or bigwheel up there too. I also think he bowls and plays basketball in addit. to his favorite activity: jumping up and down the furniture. He is not a large boy at least not yet but there is a constant boom, boom noise, i literally picture him running up to the couch, jumping on it and then jumping to the floor over and over again. Shortly after he was born I left them a note because they used to put some childrens songs/music/cartoon on when they got up and I normally sleep until 8-830 and I had explained how my bedroom was under their speakers apparently so other than not blasting Barney with ” i love you, you love me” kiddie songs at 7am it’s a regular noisefest “a herd of elephants” as said elsewhere. This very moment they are engaged in bowling, that is what is sounds like, I cannot imagine what else it would be. on w/e and eve. the parents engage in moving around the furniture for their squaredance group (that is exactly what is sounds like, furniture being dragged and dropped and then thump, thump thump of people wearing hard soled shoes). He screams and screetches NOW and the baby isnt even born yet, i expect things to get much, much worse once it is. The parents NEVER raise their voices to him, they let him scream and cry and run and jump, God forbid they think of sending him to his room, he’s almost 4 so i imagine old enough to be alone untill he can calm down. Unfortunately i do not overexagerate. The noise is a DAILY relentless occurance, he is NEVER quiet unless he’s NOT home. Oh and my next door neigbhor has started snoring and his bed/bedroom is on the other side of my bedroom wall. I pray i get a job just so i can move into a small house/cottage/shack or cabin, with no neighbors/rd. within 25 ft. otherwise i am screwed. My other problems are the next door neighbors b/r a/c 6 ft. from my bedroom window on May-Oct. all nite, noisy like a huge idling truck AND the dog walkers who stand outside my unit in my yard area at 7am or earlier and shout at their dog. Living in a house beats apartment living by leaps and bounds, esp. for us noise sensitive folks who like our privacy and dont’ want to feel like we are living in the same rooms WITH the neighbors. It’s like everytime either neighbor has a party, I am there too even tho I’m NOT, the last time it was the kids birthday and they were all singing i culd barely restrain myself from singing happy b-day too but i suspect sound doesnt travel as much upwards or they’d be a bit more considerate. Now what to do bout the snoring neighbor?

Comment on The Maternal Instinct – The Greatest Myth of All? by Xena

Xena — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:10:39 +0000

Beautiful posts, Faith and SS. There is no shortage of people (or animals) that need TLC in this world. Until everyone can get the care they need, I just don’t see the point of generating more.

Comment on Childfree… Do you Happily Give up Your Seat to Pregnant Women? by Cleatus

Cleatus — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:46:16 +0000

I REALLY hate it when im sitting on a train and some elderly or obese person comes in the next stop and walks right up to where I am sitting expecting me to jump off and lay a red carpet on for them to my seat, just bcos I am young. They can f@ck right off!! If they wanted a seat so bad they should have got on at an earlier stop or wait till its more quieter. Ignorant people.

Comment on The Maternal Instinct – The Greatest Myth of All? by SS

SS — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:11:41 +0000

What you do for others is beautiful. I’ve often thought that those who can love people who are not related by blood are the ones capable of the most altruistic love. Sure parents who have birthed offspring love their kids, but there is an element of ego in that. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but so many of them couldn’t imagine loving for an adopted child or young person in their life the same way. I’ve heard a lot of parents make derogatory remarks about how anything but their own uterus produced kids would be inferior and I’ve thought to myself that it was a selfish attitude to have. I grew up in a family where some cousins were adopted, some were foster, and there wasn’t any less love for those who weren’t “related” to us. The only reason you knew was because they arrived beyond babyhood or were of a different ethnicity. And they were not there as a substitute, they were lovingly blended with offspring.

Comment on The Maternal Instinct – The Greatest Myth of All? by Faith

Faith — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:11:44 +0000

I want to say something a little bit different. At first, i thought that i don’t have any maternal instinct and that i agree with all the women who say that they don’t want to have children or feel that it is some natural instinct. I mean, no one feels more stronly about it than I do. A mother, a sister, and an ENTIRE society that tries to tell me I’m odd? becuase i don’t want to bring chidlren into a world of pain, a world of limited resources? and how dare anyone define my femininity by having a kid!!!And then, the more I thought about it, i found out, I DO have a maternal instinct. I have 72 clients in my profession of a counselor. They all have varying disabilities- from having physical disabilities to severe mental illness. I once told my client who asked me if i was going to have children that i already had them.
I just happened to have 50 or so at the time. and who is to tell me that those 50-75 people are not worthy of being my “children”. they are who i worry about at night. They are who i care for during the day, So what i didn’t birth them. I care for them, I worry about what they eat, when they eat, if they go to school, if they get a job and if they are happy and successful. Who is to tell me that that is not mothering. I am quite content with that type of mothering and feel quite satisfied by it.
In some ways, i feel happy that i did not further contribute to the pain, but rather am attempting to alleviate it.
so, anyone who thinks women without kids are without any maternal instinct. Please don’t assume. I took care of my sister with severe disabilities from the time I was a young kid, and now I take care of the homeless and the disabled in your community. I do care. I just don’t happen to want to have children in the ugly equation that is life. if you have kids that you felt the support to have, great. But don’t judge women that may not have had the best family life, and/or have their ‘maternal instincts’ satisfied elsewhere.

Comment on Childfree… Do you Happily Give up Your Seat to Pregnant Women? by mee

mee — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:04:19 +0000

How could whether this university professor got a seat on the train affect the child’s development? It’s just uncomfortable for her.

I’m overweight, you can bet I am more uncomfortable standing than her, should I get given a seat? Hells no.